The Untold Podcast
UNTOLD Podcast is where business, family, and life collide—raw, unfiltered, and brutally honest. No fluff, no fake success stories—just real conversations about the highs, the struggles, and everything in between.
The Untold Podcast
It’s Never Too Late: A Tradesman’s Journey to Reinvention
Ryan is a 46-year-old plasterer who decided it wasn’t too late to change his life.
In this episode, he walks through a full arc: parents splitting when he was two, growing up between two homes, dyslexia, gangs, church, early marriage, divorce, debt, and the moment on a Christmas Day lay-by when he realised no one was coming to rescue him.
We get into:
- What it’s really like growing up in a broken home
- Dyslexia, being boxed in at school, and turning it into a strength
- Getting pulled into a gang as a kid and choosing not to go down that road
- How youth work and church gave him an escape and a sense of family
- Early marriage, ministry, money problems and a painful divorce
- The first Christmas without his kids and the decision to rebuild
- Rebuilding as a dad, business owner and husband
- Why he’s moving from plastering into mindset coaching for men
- Routine, running, and why washing the day off matters
- Why it is never “too late” to change career, direction or identity
Ryan now supports men through mindset coaching and a men’s community built around movement, cold water and conversation.
Instagram – Ryan: @ryanmindsetcoaching
Mindset coaching for men in their 30s and 40s who want to stop drifting and start acting like the man they know they should be.
New episodes of the UNTOLD Podcast every Tuesday.
Welcome back to another episode of the Untold Podcast. I'm Ash. And I'm Christopher. And we have another guest. Three weeks in a row, Chris. We must be doing something, right? What is this? Um today we are introducing Ryan. Ryan, what's your name and where'd you come from?
SPEAKER_03:Well, I'm the new kid on the block, so yeah, my uh my name is Ryan. I am 46, uh, and I'm from uh He looks about 38, by the way.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I uh from Steddin.
SPEAKER_02:Nice. Um Ryan reached out to us on the phone number 07511 272 459 and said, I've got a bit of a story, I'd love to come on the podcast. And here he is. I did. It's our first ever message as well, wasn't it? It was a first ever message. So we had to get him on. So we had to get him on, give him the opportunity to tell his story. Um so, Ryan, a little bit, why did you want to come on the Untold Podcast? Do you know what?
SPEAKER_03:I I have listened to a few podcasts, and um and I can't think what episode I I listened to, and I think you said it out loud where you said, if you want if you've got a story to tell, reach out. And I love a challenge, either it's physical, mental, and I dared myself. So I reached out thinking nothing's gonna happen, and there was a little voice on the other end, and I'm like, Who is this bloke? Is his name's Ash? Is his name's Steve? Is it Chris? I don't know, but I went with it, and here I am today.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so love that he just called you a little voice.
SPEAKER_02:Little voice of my day, that is a little voice in the back of my head.
SPEAKER_01:That's what he is for me, to be fair, every time he voice notes me. It's this little voice, and that's it.
SPEAKER_02:So welcome, Ryan, to the Untold Podcast. And thanks for reaching out. Yeah, thank you. That's why we put the number in publicly for people just like you to come on.
SPEAKER_03:We want the and I want to say thank you for YouTube, because I am a stranger, you do not know me from Adam. It's funny you mentioned this, yeah. But you just don't know me, so I could have been anyone, I could have been like just a yeah, I'm I'm no one, so thank you very much.
SPEAKER_01:I'm a new kid on the block, so I'm just gonna butt in there, mate, because obviously we know that Ryan is a tradesman.
SPEAKER_00:And I'm a former tradesman, yes, and you said to me this morning, is that actually how your brain works? Because I messaged Ash this morning and said, mate, you've basically invited somebody that we've got no idea of, no background, no nothing. This could be this is beautiful, a mass murderer for all we know. Yeah, yeah, right.
SPEAKER_02:And I replied saying, Chris, is that really how your brain works, mate? You need some therapy, you need to, yeah, you need some help. But you sent us a bit about yourself, which I asked you to do because, as we've just said, we don't know you from Adams. Yeah, um, just so we can sort of let you tell your story and sort of guide it in the right way. But in your own words, sort of you're a plasterer now, you've been a plaster for 18 years, but you felt the need for change. Yeah. So in your own word, just sort of your tell us your story.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so I love plastering, I love what I do. I I work smart and uh and work hard, um, and it's it's a very satisfying job. You know, you look into a room and it's filthy, um, and then you come out of it, the customer's happy, and it's a very satisfying job. And also in the last kind of eight years, took took on some decorating, got the the best brushes in the world, got the sprayers, and again, really enjoy it. Um, there's some things that in my life that I had to sort of deal with, and now I've kind of dealt with them. It's um I kind of want to reach out and just create this new path that I'm kind of embarking on.
SPEAKER_02:So will you continue? What do you think? Do you think you will continue doing the plastering? Or is the hopes that your new path, which we'll go into in a minute, is there hopes that your new path will replace the plastering?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so so at the moment I've now my business is now a a company and the tax man loves me. The tax man loves me, and and I um I'm not struggling, but it's it's just hard work physically, uh, numbers. Um so my my goal is to slowly diminish the plastering and then maybe do one day a week of my new career, and then it will be four days, three days, two days, and then hopefully one day we'll be full-time doing the passion.
SPEAKER_01:So for everybody listening, just but don't go too far into it. But what is this new career path you're looking into?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so I wanna um I've I wanna do uh life coaching for men in their 30s and 40s, and I know it's a massive niche at the moment, a big age gap, and it's just defining who is kind of in need, you know. Like you you speak to the 40-year-old boys that uh have kind of got it all, uh got the family, got a divorce, or you know, a career, and it's just I I just feel I really want to help out and reach. And plastering is a satisfying job, but when you speak to us together, um yeah, it's it's that's where I love the change.
SPEAKER_02:I I and and the other thing is as well, you see a lot of tradesmen, a lot of people working physically with their hands. I mean, by the time we get there, you have to work till you're 75. There is no I'm sorry, but it's gonna be very difficult to be uh a plaster at 75 years old.
SPEAKER_03:I've got beautiful smooth hands, which is really nice. Gloves, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:But you're good at icing a cake as well.
SPEAKER_03:No, I'm not actually. That is my my wife, she bakes cakes, and I said one day, I can do that, and then you have a go of the ice in the cake, and no, no, no.
SPEAKER_01:So it's a myth then that all plasters are good at oh, I thought you were gonna say it's a myth. If your wife bakes cakes, you have to be massive. Because I'd be humongous if I if my missus made cakes every day.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, um, so you told us, and we we got a I feel it's really important to tell your story from back in the day and the life that you've been through. So people people listening, and the reason that I'm quite excited about getting you on, because you are you are a plaster, you're a normal tradesmerson, and you've realised at the age of 43, 46, 46, that that's just what I said, you've realized at that age that okay, it's not too late to change, and I think that's a really important message that it's never too late, it's never too late to change something in your life for a better future, living the present, living today. So you told us that back when you were young, um your parents had a split, your parents split up. How did that affect you? How do you think that sort of played a part in where you are now? Yeah, right. Go from there.
SPEAKER_03:Do you know what? I I I think about this quite a lot. Where my I see my life as normal, but when you talk about it to your friends and family, and on a podcast like this, you I people might think, Oh my gosh, that is horrendous. That you know, you went through this and you went through that. But for me, it is normal, you know, from parents splitting up at the age of two, and then you're going to your dad's at the weekends, and your dad has a suitcase for you know, nice clothes, and then you go home and you put on your old clothes and shoes that are holy, and you know, and it's like this different life where you would have your Monday to Saturday, you know, with with mum, and then your weekends with dad, and you put on these new clothes, you know. It's just it was for me, it's normal, but when you talk about it openly, it's like you know, there was some issues there. So yeah.
SPEAKER_01:My parents split up as well, and I always used to say it's like the the it's like the secret agent lifestyle. Yeah, you live two completely separate lives that you don't want anybody to know the other one, the worst one of the two, you don't tell anyone about. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it is tough, it's really, really tough for a kid when your parents split up, and I think it does mould you as a person when you're later on in life, definitely.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So there's there's a there's obviously a belief there, and there's something has shaped you in that.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:How do you think that sort of affected your life sort of growing up?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so so I I had a lot of blame on myself, um, but at the same time, I kind of learnt early to kind of get on with it, and sometimes you look look across the playground and you'd see a family sort of greeting their kids when the kids finish home and uh school, and and I would be walking home on my own in the cold, in the rain, and but I you sort of develop a a s like a hard shell, you just gotta get on with it, but at the same time, it does affect you sort of inside. But you know, I I did have a lot of blame, but at the same time, I had to get on with it. You know, I I I've I've always wanted to be um making a difference in my own life and in my family's life, in my friends' life, so that making a difference has kind of got me to where I am today, really. Just get on with it, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Um, and then a bit later on you discovered that you were dyslexic.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so dyslexic, um again, it's my superpower today, but at the same time, I remember when the new iPhone came out, and there was an app where you could say something and it would spell it out, and it just changed my world where where my learning as a life coach now, there's a lot of learning. You've got to read books and you've got to do this, and I've just developed a skill now that I can kind of understand. I can like you guys, I can you look at someone and you think, yeah, he's he's a good soul, he's alright. My discernment's pretty high. But um, yeah, growing up, there was a lot of confusion about why I have got this thing where I need a teacher always with me in school, and again, everyone's sort of bullying because I've got like Mrs. Kitchen next to me, she was a lovely lady, but she just followed me every kind of kind of classroom. It was yeah, it was interesting. But I look about it back at it now, and it's yeah, it's nice to it's a lot to go through as a kid as well, isn't it?
SPEAKER_01:Like your parents splitting up, having dyslexia, it's quite quite a big burden on your shoulders as well, innit? While you're trying to sort of become the human being that you want to become as well at the same time, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I've always thought that I want I do want to make a difference, and so having parents that are split up, like I could really take the blame, and and there was there has been a lot of blame on myself, but at the same time I've got to let it go, I've got to move on as a kid. Um, and I'm just just normal, I was just a normal kid, loved my football, loved my rugby, um, and that I think that was the my sort of saving grace, which was like a bit of sports, a bit around sort of yeah, friends and sort of family.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and just because you've got I think again it's important just just because you've got a dyslexia, but it can be used as a superpower, yeah, if you can harness it. Like you were probably quite lucky because you had that. There was 30 kids in the class, and back at the at the time you thought, oh god, I'm being singled out. Look at him over there. He's he's got the like my daughter's the same, she's really struggling at the moment, and she's allowed, she's got these cards, she can have timeout cards and stuff, and there will be kids bullying her for it. Um and yeah, it's gotta be tough, it's gotta be really, really, really tough.
SPEAKER_03:So no, I just remember Jamie Oliver sort of had that programme out a couple of months ago about dyslexic, and it was just really nice to hear someone else being very successful and and making a difference, you know. He loves food, that's his thing that he kind of got on with, and yeah, it is hard, it really is hard. Um, but again, technology these days and AI and all that sort of stuff will make it easier. But for me, I don't want to rely on a phone or AI or something to read. I really want to, I do work really hard at learning and I joke about it with my friends and family. Oh, it's the dyslexic in me. But there is like, yeah, I'm I'm well switched on and yeah, like I was put in a box in college because it was a um it was it was they didn't really know how to deal with dyslexic people, and so um I just remember being in a classroom with people that are you know a little bit slow in their thinking, and I was like, mate, I'm I'm I'm normal, but it's you know, people just put you in a little box and try and spell things out properly.
SPEAKER_01:And thing is, if you if you look at a lot of very successful people, an awful lot of those do have dyslexia and ADHD.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Because it almost allows you to hyper focus on something. Yeah, you might not be very good at one thing, but actually, all of a sudden, because your brain is not developed that way, it develops so much better at doing other things that that's why they are so successful. So it definitely is a superpower, yeah. Like and and that and ADHD, I think, you know, I I can think of a few people in my head that have got ADHD that are famous, and one of them, James Hype, is like the one of the most famous DJs at the moment, and the stuff that he does, nobody else can do because nobody's brain thinks, how do I do that? So, although it's uh when you grow up, you get bullied for it, and people think it's it's a bad thing. Actually, I don't think it is at all. No. I wonder whether actually the people that are born with dyslexia and things like ADHD, they're actually born better than people, if you know what I mean. Without without sounding horrible.
SPEAKER_03:It's just knowing that you've got this disability and and being confident in who you are, and yes, I've come from a broken home, and yes, I could have gone to a boarding school, but my again, my mum was pretty strong, where she was like, You've got to be in a normal school. You can't just you can't just put in a box in a a boarding school to push you away, and and and I take a lot of you know, I thank mum that she sort of took my corner to make me normal and socialise with people today, and it's like plastering, this is why I I sort of took it on because you don't really need to write things out, okay. You need to do your quotes and your estimates and invoicing, which is always important, but it's like I've got a method and and and and you just you just get on with it.
SPEAKER_02:I get the impression you are very structured.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I think so. Yeah, in my head, I don't look it on when you look at me, but in my own head, I've yeah, I've got to I have the impression you're a very clean plasterer. I am, yeah, well done. I get the impression. I hate looking like a plasterer or a decorator. Yeah, I don't want to I don't I don't want to walk down the street really messy. Like even my van, like the front part of it is just clean as okay, the back of it, because I'm dealing with paint and dust and but yeah you are tidy space, tidy mind though.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, right. I think it's really important. Like you have a clean, you have a tidy of your desk, you clean your whatever up, it just makes you feel better.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you're right. You are so right.
SPEAKER_02:Um I want to go into this bit. Yeah, you mentioned about gangs, and you got into you got into a few places where you wish looking back now, you wish you hadn't got into. Tell us more about that.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so my mum bought me the BMX, um, the ET BMX, and I can't think what brand that was, but it was a really nice BMX. It had forks at the front and forks at the back. It was really she saved like her probably a whole paycheck to pay for this BMX. Anyway, I had this BMX, and there was rumours in Brighton where there was this one street that you cannot go down. Because I had this amazing BMX and I can cycle really fast, um, and I dared myself to go down this one street because you do, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:As you do, you shouldn't have learned by now. You don't dare yourself.
SPEAKER_03:And I thought, no one's gonna catch me, no one's gonna catch me. And the rumour was right that these older kids would carry knives, and I I didn't really listen to that. And because I was cycling so fast, my foot slipped, and then I stumbled, fell off my bike, and I cried. And I remember some of the the older lot came up to me with a knife and pushed it to my throat. And how old were you? I was probably about seven or eight. And uh I I was crying because my knee was bleeding and I fell off my bike, and then the older crew kind of had a little bit of heart to me because I had this brand new BMX, and then they started talking to me about can I have a go at your bike? And I still had this knife against my throat by one or the other lot, and I just kept crying. But at the same time, I think I won their hearts by crying, and yeah, you can have a go at my bike, and it became just a friendship that you know, they didn't give me things, they didn't give me a knife, but it was I was a part of this crew, and it was like I was desperate to finish school to then go onto this street that no one would, you know, walk up. And I remember again one day where we were I was just hanging around with these guys, uh kids, but um, they sort of chased a postman down a road with a like a flick knife, and I was like, What is going on? Like even at a young age how old were they then? So they were probably maybe 15, maybe the oldest, 15, 16.
SPEAKER_01:And that was quite a few years ago as well, wasn't it? Yeah, right, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I'm just like casting back my memories, but I always remember like just chasing this this postman down the road, and and like some of these knives, and they're not like a little fish knife, they it was like uh butcher's knife, and it was just like, what am I in? Why am I here? But yeah, I I think I sort of just won their hearts because yeah, I was crying, and it is it was yeah, like I say, they did not give me like drugs or anything like that, but I was just a part of this gang because I had a BMX, and I'm thankful for that BMX to this day because I could have easily gone down a path where shite could have happened, and I again early age where I knew what right and wrong was because of my breakup with my mum and dad, and just seeing a lot of crap go on in my own house, and I just didn't want to be a part of a gang that would then lead me to prison one day. I just knew right and wrong, wrong early doors, and so um yeah. So then after that sort of gang, part of a gang, um we then moved to a a pub in Brighton, and I cannot think of the the pub to this day. And um it's probably closed now.
SPEAKER_02:It is closed, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:There's a there's a um there's a block of flats there now. But again, I remember living in the in a pub um for about a year, and we had played darts as kids. And I remember an old boy was sitting under a dartboard and we was throwing darts to the uh the dartboard, and then just a few of them were just landing in his head, and it's just like yeah, just mad days of just like being a kid of just throwing darts at this old boy's head. It's just mad, right? Yeah, so and and again, in that in that moment of um living in a pub, you would I just saw a lot of crap go on, like again, mum being beaten up by just people being stupid with alcohol, and and so again, it was just all my things that I don't want to be of. I don't want to be drinking beer, I don't want to do this, and I don't want to do that because I was so I was so open to it early doors.
SPEAKER_02:So are you are you completely sober? Do you drink? No, no, no.
SPEAKER_03:So yeah, I do drink, yeah. I'm not uh I do like a drink, yeah, absolutely. Um but I I I don't use it to calm myself down or I finish working. Yeah, it's definitely a social thing, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. Very similar to me. But I don't know about you, Chris though, the last few weeks.
SPEAKER_01:I wouldn't drink at all. As long as it's not got a white on the end of it. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_02:Um you said that after sort of this period of your life went on, you sort of went into serving serving others, you went into faith, you went into the church. Tell us about that, why what pulled you into the church? Why and that's obviously stuck with you.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, so I'm I am all about helping people, um, and I I reach out even to this day where I always send a text to a friend just to sort of check in. And then at the stage of my life where I was at school, I had Mrs. Kitchen next to me, my teacher, and I would always look across the classroom, and there was this one boy that would always sit on his own in maths, and I I thought one day I'm gonna go and sit next to this dude, and his name was Peter, and so I went over, befriended him, and he just spoke about this youth group, and how he mentioned it was there's girls and there's basketball, and they're the two things that I was kind of interested in back in them days. I was only 14, 15, and and I turned up on a youth night, and and yes, there was girls, and yes, there was basketball, but there was this different there was just this different feeling about this group of young people, and um and then yeah, learnt really quick that they're they all are all Christians, and I just thought I'd just like that because that's where I've I kind of want to help people, and and if if kind of the God factor can help me to be a better person, and then yeah, so I sort of became one of the young people, and then over time um we we yeah, we sort of took over the youth group, and it was yeah, it was good good fun, but we can delve into that whenever.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, no, yeah. Tell her tell us more about it. What yeah, what what was you doing? And obviously that's that part of your life, um, based on what you've told us, is has sort of shaped. Yeah, it still has a part of your life now. Yeah when you were sort of 15, 16. So we're going back a few years ago.
SPEAKER_03:So so again, I would say probably early doors, it was a way out of my um of just my life, where mum's single, she's dating men, seeing men coming, coming out, and she was she was no hooker, by the way, just just to kind of throw that out there. But it was just there was one life where I'm you know got holes in my shoe, going to school, trying to be the best that I can be, and then there'll be a weekend where I'm with this group of young people that are different, they're they're not swearing, that they are kind of encouraging one another, and I just thought I just really want to be a part of that, and if that's a God thing, then you know I I want that, and so kind of religiously would turn up on a Friday night, which is youth night, and then again religiously on a Sunday, and we we as a youth group were the musicians for the church on a Sunday, so so I learnt the bass really quick, so I'm a bass guitarist. Um okay, so that's interesting. They're all hanging up on the wall that moment, but yeah, don't play it. But um, so yeah, so music was really part of my development in as a young purpose, uh young person, and um, and yeah, so so religiously we would play every Sunday, and we were rock stars, you know, there's flashing lights, there's smoke machines, it's not like you know, like today's sort of church, and it was just it just became my sort of life. It was an escape, yeah. Exactly that.
SPEAKER_01:Do you feel like that was maybe kind of because your parents had split up, you kind of feel like you went to that as it was a family unit sort of thing? You felt a bit more inclusive. Bang on.
SPEAKER_03:Um, I remember coming home from church one evening, and I said to my mum, I found a new family, and it it kind of broke her because she's doing the her very best for me. Um, but then I've now got this new family, I've got like new dads, I've got new mums and new uncles and new brothers and new friends, and you know, we would go to different countries, we would go to France, we would go to Germany because the the movement that we were part of, the churches, sorry, that's church language by the way, movements, but the churches that we were a part of, they would have churches uh in other countries, and because our youth ministry was quite successful, we you know we really grew it quite big. Um, that we would go to other countries just to kind of inspire the other churches. So again, you know, it's all about solving a problem and yeah, not solving the problem, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's good though. I think it's and we spoke about this, didn't we? Like there was nothing for kids to do to escape, to escape the mundane of going to school, going home, going to school, going home. There's not a lot around. Um so I think there's quite an interesting story, really, that that you managed to find that.
SPEAKER_01:I know I think a lot of there's not enough done for kids that split up with their parents either. I think it's much harder for the child that that everybody I mean I've got two kids from my my ex-wife, and you know, we're like much like yourself, and and I I always think like how their life was moulded for them, not a particularly nice way, because we didn't particularly like each other when we split up, and you know, there wasn't any your mum's horrible, your dad's horrible. There might have been her way, but I don't know. But you know, you try as hard as you can to make it easy as easy for the kids, but doesn't matter how hard how hard you try it, it's not easy, is it? You know, and there is nothing really out there for nobody ever checks on the kids, do they? You know, your your your missus' friends might check on her, your friends might check on you, but the kids don't have anybody, do they? So I I guess I can understand why you went to that really to get that solidarity and that escapism.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, yeah. I mean, like I we we grew the youth group and it was great on a Friday, like if you miss it, you miss out. We really tried to have the God factor, of course, but we we just tried to make a Friday night the best ever. And there was a moment where we kind of grew it, and I had to start focusing on business, my my my work, because I was so focused on this ministry of the young people, but then my business side was being like neglected because my passion was serving others, and I I remember sort of speaking to the leaders and and passing it over to someone else, and then a month later they kind of came back to me and said, Can you start something outside of church? And it again, my my my heart came alive again. Where I we started doing a a youth group outside of church, and I didn't want to preach the gospel, I didn't want to preach God, I just wanted to help these young people. And again, we I've done a lot of recceing with the police officers and community workers for a good year, and again, it's like you say, it's putting on something for the young people, and that was and and I funded that myself where you'd feed the kids hot chocolate and burgers and you'd get the pool table going, and it's just having that connection with that that young person, and it's just got to a really sweet stage where I was winning the the young people, but then you would then speak to mum and dad, and you know, and then seeing them suffering, and and I'm not saying that you know we as a church sort of like would uh feel a need, but it was I just wanted to help uh our community, and again it and because of funding, and I think back in them them days, funding was kind of cut and the youth um like the YMCA started diminishing and then. And this is why you know today's kids are doing what they're doing, but there is this this small itch in my sort of back that you know I really want to do something again. So yeah, so it's really interesting.
SPEAKER_02:So that's that story there. You've then revisited that 20 years later, and you want to go into helping people in a in a different way. Yeah, and it's quite interesting you say about like communities. We all talk about communities, but at the moment I just feel that we're all sort of told that there is no community. No, there is that we really struggle as human beings, especially in the UK, with this whole community thing.
SPEAKER_01:Um pots and pans, wasn't it? Everyone loved each other, but then you go out of that and everyone's forced to hate each other again.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and left and right and middle and this and that, and white and black and green and whatever colour you are, and religion and stuff. And it's just mad. It's just mad. Whereas if everybody stuck together, I feel this really, really strongly. If everybody stuck together and we all looked out for each other, the world would be a better place. Yeah. The world would be a better place. Don't want to pat on the back. I don't want to. Me and Chris are saying it. Like when the podcast, when we get some money coming into the podcast, we want to do good with the money that comes from the podcast. It's not to line our pockets. This is a passion project for us. It's not, it's not we can go out and help people. Again, you have to be careful who you help because some people don't. But yeah, it's um it's like we'll try and get Tom on, who's opened the skate park in Haywatif for young kids, and it's like a community project. He's sort of funding it himself and relying on grants and stuff. And we'll get him on, and it'd be good to hear his side. But I think it's really important as people, as human beings, to look out for thy neighbour.
SPEAKER_04:Correct. That's what you say.
SPEAKER_01:And like you said, you don't have to be religious to be kind. No, I mean it's not instilled into you because you're religion, it's just should be instilled into you anyway, really. Like it just annoys you. I I I I don't I I won't go into it, but it just annoys me. I I could say so many things right now how selfish people are, and just I don't know.
SPEAKER_03:Again, there's a there's a there's a part of me that I am selfish, it's you know, and I will Yeah, but everybody wants to better their own lives. I will curse the person that's like just taking my my car car space, you know. It's just like, what are you doing, you idiot? That was mine. You knew I was indicating, but at the same time, yeah, it's good to reach out, absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. And the feeling you get, to be fair, from helping somebody makes you feel ten times better than you might win the lottery or something, but if you had 50 people come to you and say, You've saved my life, I was gonna do this, and now I'm not gonna do that, yeah. That's a much better feeling. There is no better feeling than receiving a message from somebody like that. Don't care who you are, you might have a Lamborghini, you might have a 20-bedroom house. That feeling is much more satisfying than anything else out there.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, but it's like I I work with customers that have so much money and they're just not happy. And then sometimes I think I heard it on this podcast a couple of weeks ago where if I was a millionaire, I'd still be doing plastering and I will still help. I won't sort of like immigrate to a hot country, but I I do want to help. It's like if I had the money, I'd just be, yeah, just you've got to look after yourself. Absolutely. You've got to put your own gas on first. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:But nobody needs 200 million pounds, do they? Well, come on, you know, share it, share it. Or how do you think that's it? I keep seeing all these articles. Oh, if if all the billionaires in the world gave a million pounds to everybody, it would solve world poverty. It's true, isn't it?
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:But who's gonna give all that money out? No one are they, really. Oh, this is it, isn't it?
SPEAKER_02:But we use money as a money is a tool, yeah, and it depends on how you look at it. And I've learnt this over interviewing people, talking to people. Money is a tool to buy yourself time back.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That's the way I just want enough money to be able to buy myself time. I want enough money to employ a member of staff to take half the load off of me so I can spend more time at home with my kids. Amazing. I want enough money to be able to go on holiday and spend time with my kids. Yeah, I don't want enough money to my Audi out there, 140,000 miles, I love it to bits. Like I got in it the other day, I said, I love this car. I've had it five years now, it's touch wood, it's never let me down. I'm happy with that, but some people aren't. And I, as a kid, I wasn't. I always wanted the next best thing. And my wife used to say to me, it's not about material things. And I used to, yeah, but I'd rather cry in a lamborghini, like that whole mean thing. But as you get older, you realise there's more to life than chasing the next.
SPEAKER_03:I'm just um for me, I'm these days, I'm just grateful for what I've got. I've I'm grateful when I get accepted from a job, you know, and it's like only a couple of hundred quid, but I'm just grateful that what I've got can feed my family, but then at the same time help someone else, like through my time. Like I always try and work smart, so where you know, there's I know a lot of people that work really late, and and that's and that's okay. But for me, I want to work smart so I can be home for my kids, yeah. You know, and it and it's and sometimes I I do I a lot of people take the Mickey out of me that I am sort of finishing at like half two, three o'clock. It's part of the classroom, mate. I'm waiting for the surprise. That's overtime, isn't it? But people would go to the pub, you know, or that you know, I know people that will finish work, go to the pub, then kind of lay on the couch and and you know, love your missus whenever she's sort of available. But I for me, I like you say, like, time is so precious. We've got one life, and I know and I want that, I want to be present to my kids. You know, I've got four kids. Um I was divorced and now I'm remarried. Yeah, I'm remarried, and we've now got two, well, I've got four amazing kids, uh, and I want to be there for them, you know, and and it's like every Tuesday, every Thursday, I'm picking up one of my oldest daughters just to take her to work, and it's 30 minutes in the van, but it's like 30 minutes that I'll never get back. And 30 minutes of quality time, isn't it?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's valu it's it's valuable, and I think it's so difficult to live in the present. Yeah, it's so hard to live in the present. I used to sit here in when we filmed like series one, I'm a hell of a lot better now. Like, I'm in the room, I'm listening to what you're saying, I'm listening to what he's saying. I used to really struggle about six, seven months ago. I'd be sitting there thinking about what's going on upstairs. Like, what have I got to do after we finish filming? What have I got? And that's what I'd be thinking about. And now I don't know what how I've just trained my brain, trained my brain to try and be present. It's really difficult. It's good though, mate. At least you went to the body. It's really difficult. Well, yeah, exactly. There is that. So you said that um about um you had an early marriage, yeah, kids in debt, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So so early marriage, yeah. So because we were part of a church, and the only time to sort of have sex is inside a marriage, and so there was probably uh a big rush of people getting married, and we were a part of that circle of friends. Um and yeah, life was good. I mean, we're you know, I was still plastering, but I had like this youth ministry, and it that was that took over my sort of life, and I didn't really, I was so young as a husband, I was only 23, um, where I wanted to be this big shot, I wanted to please so many people, and I just made some silly decisions on pleasing people that I neglected my my first marriage, and and I came away from a situation as in church, and I got really hurt from church, but I wasn't hurt from you know God, the God factor, but the people in church was was they just made hard decisions and and it affected me where I wanted to help people, but it they took it away. But you know, I've dealt with that, and it affected my my marriage where we were so busy helping the young people that we're not helping our marriage, and you know, we we've got two amazing daughters, and then you know they're they're older now, but yeah, it it yeah, debt kind of came crept in because I was we were so focused on making this ministry amazing, um and I'm neglecting the the the very thing that I need to look after, and and when divorce happened, I just went I I looked okay from the outside, but inside I was really hurt that no one's sort of reaching out to me. Come on, Ryan Light, let's meet for a coffee. No one really checked in, and so I just made silly decisions just as a single man, you know, we won't go into it, but just silly decisions that I sort of did because I was just trying to feel something in my my own life, um, and then at the weekends I would have my own kids, and so I had to, you know, be this dad again. And again, we would do great things with the kids, but then you know, the hardest thing is like saying goodbye to your kids on the Sunday night, you know. It's just it just it just really ate me up, and I remember the first Christmas without the kids, and I I think I was I was going round my dad's and um and I pulled over to a lay-by and I I just was like, what is going on? What I've I've got to sort my life out. Like I I need to be, I need to focus on my girls, I need to focus on my business, I need to work on myself, and you know, it took a couple of years to get to that stage, and when I dealt with issues, I always call it like my stone in my shoe that I can always run with a stone in my shoe, you can walk with a stone in your shoe, but you've got to deal with that issue, and I learned that I had to deal with this, this, these issues in my my life, and then I was the one that I had to reach out to friends and family, and then it's just dealing with them hard questions, and it's just I just really had to work on myself really quick.
SPEAKER_02:Putting your head above the parapet, as they say, yeah, and not, yeah. So back then, when you were 23, 24, you were trying to be a version of a man, yes, I guess you were trying to be a version of a man that you thought was the right thing to do at the time. Looking back now, how has that changed? That version of like back then, you that was the version of the man you thought you needed to be, and then you've got now, you've got a completely different version, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So I I I again as a dad, my I've got I've got a great family support, and my uncles are full on with their kids, and I and an early marriage when I knew I will have kids, so I wanted to be present, I want to be hands-on with my kids.
SPEAKER_02:What would you tell your 23-year-old self?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, uh again, just stop pleasing, you know, be again be present for your daughters and and the people around that really do love you. Um it is that it's just for me, stop pleasing others. Like nowadays, like I'm 46, not 43 or but I I sometimes I don't give two hoots on what you think about me because I I I know who I am, like I had to do a lot of work. Um back then I was so young in my 23. Like when we got married, we we we bought a flat, and then again, because I was so young in my head that we got um uh the house taken away, the flat taken away, repossessed, and we had bailiffs at the door, we we had so much going on because I was so young in my head that I again I just didn't know what a man looked like, you know, because I didn't have a dad, and my dad was always present, but I never had really a man or men around me to sort of say sort out your finances, sort out your kids. Um and it's yeah, it's just that I just didn't have I think it's so important these days to have a male role model role model in in your in in a in a in a life.
SPEAKER_01:I think I think a lot of people disagree with what I'm about to say, but I don't think at 23 year old, three years old, and you'll probably agree with me after you've been through it, you're not a man. You know, and and when people sit there and they think that they're men when they're 23 years old, they're just grown-up children. Yeah, that's all they are, that's all I was, that's all you was. We were the same kind of age getting married, and you build this fake persona because you feel like you have to be this person, and it doesn't work because you're not that person, so you're living a lie, basically, you're still trying to find your way and grow up as a man or as into a man, and you're still a child, really. So I know there's a lot of people out there that are happily married still from getting married at 20, 23, 24, but I promise you there's a lot more people out there that that aren't together anymore that are, and because you naturally, as you grow up, you change your feelings about certain things, you change your thoughts and feelings about people, yeah. You know, somebody you may have loved with all of your heart, all of a sudden you're seeing all the negative parts of them because you're developing, and yeah, I I I can see why it breaks up early. I'm listening to you and I'm thinking exactly exactly the same, like pretty much has gone on with me. And it it is for everybody out there, really, that is really young, and and yes, you may be in love, yes, you may feel that you need to get married, but you don't have to rush marriage. No, it is it is I don't care. I know my wife will listen to this and she'll probably have a guard at me when she does hear it next week, but it is only a piece of paper. If you love somebody, you don't have to get married. No, you're you're basically ticking a box for everybody else and a bit of a security blanket for each other when you have children. But other than that, really, you don't need to get married, so it's changed though, isn't it?
SPEAKER_02:Because it is you've got 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 year olds literally going through we've said this so many times social media. Oh my god, I can't wait for the perfect wedding. My wedding is gonna be so good, it's gonna be amazing.
SPEAKER_01:And then they're like 60 grand in the buyer, even though they've never been there in their life.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna have horses and horse-drawn car, and my dress is gonna be 10 grand and this and that. And honestly, and I'm the anti-climax the day after your wedding is unbelievable. When all the bills start rolling in. Oh, just when everything's done, you've put so much effort into all these weeks, and then all of a sudden it's like, ugh. My advice for anybody getting married is make sure your honeymoon's booked. If you get married on a Saturday, honeymoon's Monday morning, or Sunday, yeah, or or even or even the same night. What age?
SPEAKER_01:What age do you feel like you actually matured into a man? Great question.
SPEAKER_02:Yesterday. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:No, I only asked that because I only literally I'm I'm 43 and I felt like I grew into that three years ago, four years ago.
SPEAKER_03:It's probably the last five years where I sort of realised that no one's gonna save you. You've got to sort of just you've gotta do your you've got to do you've got work on your own site. Um and it's that, yeah, five years, I reckon. Five maximum ten.
SPEAKER_01:It's about the 40 mark, isn't it? I think. Yeah, a lot of people I speak to out of out of here and everything. They say around 40 years old.
SPEAKER_02:That's a very good question. Well they say, don't they?
SPEAKER_01:Like that's why the midlife crisis happens, isn't it? Because because you I mean, I don't know about you, but I I kind of got to a point where you almost feel like, what do I do now?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Like, where who am I anymore? Because you're not that person, you're not the person you thought you wanted to be.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You're kind of in the middle, so you're like, shit, where do I go now? It's kind of a weird feeling, isn't it? I think all of a sudden it'll change, but yeah, you're right.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, it's a very good question. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Was there a light bulb moment you think that sort of made you realise that you can pinpoint in time that made you realise was you, oh fuck. I've got to make some changes.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I mean, oh like I think it was that Christmas morning where I really had to think, what am I really doing? Like I could again like have these moments where I'm on a T junction of my life. I can go down the right side or the left side, I can make wrong decisions even more and end myself in prison, or I can be a better person, and I'm doing it for my kids, I'm doing it for the friends and family around me. But it was like, I dare to say, yeah, good 10 years ago on that Christmas Day morning where I'm like, yeah, I've got to sort it out, and I I had life insurance back in them days at on Vitality, putting it out there. Um, and they they had uh 75% discount on Champneys, and I remember clocking in at Champagne's like a spa weekend on my own, and I just turned up uh all the foods provided, and I thought I'm gonna check in and just sort my life out, and it was just really nice having three days to see my kids are in school, and that's okay, and it was just nice just to sort of do the things that I want. I'm into running, so I I I do, I think I was training for a marathon back then, and so I would just run and knowing that I've come I can come back to a lunch and then I can sit around the pool, and it's just it was just stuff like that where I use sports, I use running, I use cycling to clear my head. Um and yeah, it it was it was it was then and then sort of found my you know my new wife today, you know. It's just me rocking up on a on a building site. I needed coffee that morning, and I check into uh the nearest coffee shop, and then there she was, sort of went in for a coffee, came out with a bride. So it was just like it was just nice at how that's an expensive coffee, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, no, it was good. No, talking about weddings, like we we had our wedding in a marquee, you know, on a field next to a a park, and it was just perfect, like beautiful day, hay bells, it was just happy, like you know, you don't have to spend the Instagram money to to make a perfect day, you know. It was just so basic but beautiful.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's it's um life's crazy how it do you know what I mean. Like you were saying there about the tea junction. Sometimes you've got to take the path of least resistant, you've got to get off the bus and walk up that way, walk up the hill. And it's it's a lot, and that's something I need to do now. I need to really pull myself out of I'm I'm doing alright, but do you know what I mean? Mentally, I'm doing alright, have my my my good days and my bad days, but I need to now focus on myself, I need to really build on myself fitness, fucking energy levels, everything, and I'm trying to just find a a normal, a new normal where I can not put too much pressure on myself to stop vaping, stop smoking, stop drinking, go to the gym five times a week, do boxing classes, go on a bike ride, go on a like there's so many things that I feel I need to do, but if you look at it that way, you'll never you'll never change because you're oh my god, that mountain's too tall. We just gotta take one foot forward every day, haven't we, Chris? I needed that.
SPEAKER_01:Did you? Yeah, did you? I need that a little bit. It's quite informative for me to be fair, Tommy. Exactly. I think myself.
SPEAKER_02:And I'm really like, I struggle with it, and I'm like, right, right, tonight is boxing. I'm going to boxing tonight, and that's what I'm telling myself now, and then it'll get to six o'clock, and I'll make an excuse not to go. And that's what I'm really struggling with at the moment. That that self-like discipline, if you like. I need to walk the dog on a Sunday morning. Oh, I can't find my wellies, it's alright. We'll just go over the park for 10 minutes. Whereas I could have gone on an hour's long walk, got some steps in, and that's what I'm really I'm making excuses for myself not to do things I need to do, but I'll quite happily sit there and order a takeaway or do the do the things on the path to least resistance. Just really, it's it's the things that are easy I'll do. Um and that's something that I'm really like I need to grab that by the horns.
SPEAKER_03:I mean, we live in Stenin, and so there's beautiful fields, and we we're we're both me and Emma are sort of run, we're runners, and we disagree now and again to who's going for a run today. But when you get out and just smell the fresh air and listen to the birds and touch the grass, get muddy, or it it's good for my, you know, I don't suffer with mental health, but at the same time, I really need that just that silence and just hear, check in with my own sort of body, and um yeah, no, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:That's really really, really important to mention. That is, I mean, we had James on, didn't we? Yeah, and he said even simple things about like just looking at a tree, it's supposed to be good for your mental health. I said it on the podcast with James, but we we've got our house points literally to the woods, we've got a road in the woodlands, and for years we've lived in that house, and I've always found myself just staring out the window. My wife always thinks there's something wrong with me. So, what are you thinking about now? And I'm like, nothing. Like, but I I just find myself zoning out when I look out, and it does, it does sort of clear my head of all the rubbish. So it's really important that you do do the things you need to do. Like you're saying, you've got to do the things that you're giving yourself a list to, otherwise, you're not only not doing them, but you're actually beating yourself up afterwards, isn't it?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. And but it but don't put don't do try and do too much at once. Do you know what I mean? You're not gonna you're not gonna tile the floor, paint the ceiling, do the plastering, then make the dinner all in the same day. Not unless you do an octopus. Yeah, not unless you're an octopus. Do you know what I mean? But it's interesting you said that. You said you don't struggle with mental health.
SPEAKER_03:Well, I I'm I'm a sort of person that will I I don't yo yo with my I I'm a good person, or I'm in a good mood, I'm in a bad mood. I I'm I I I'm pretty level and I know when I need to clear the head, I know it's like when I finish work and you're driving home, that is me. I put a podc podcast on or some music, and I drive home and I want to get the day off me as soon as possible. I get home, check in with the wife, with the with the kids, and it's the first thing I do is have a shower, and it's just me putting on clean clothes, and again, that's probably I have things that I need to do before I can be present with my wife and with the kids that I need to put on clean clothes, clean hands, so then I'm really moisturizer, um, and it is and that helps me, you know. It might not help other uh someone else, but it just helps me that I need to get today's rubbish off. Yeah, and then when the kids go down, then I pick up my phone back up again. Then I'm this business person where I need to quote, or you know, this new path of like life coaching. I need to read and I need to learn. Um, but yeah, running is my is my thing that I I just love to do, just to get out and just punish the body sometimes. Can't eat that donut all the time.
SPEAKER_01:So interesting what you just said, man, about being in a van and then getting home and getting a shower to wash the like the day off. It's exactly exactly how I used to feel every day after work. Every day. And I think that's why I'm struggling at the moment with the transition is because I don't have that opportunity to do that, so it's just a full day of meh. Do you know what I mean? Like there's no there's no area where I can just what's the word I'm looking for? Um deflate or whatever, you know, like and then be ready for the next part of the day, yes. It's mad. Yeah. I do get quite a lot from these podcasts, mate, to be fair. Good. I'm glad someone does. I do feel like I I'm getting a free therapy session every Tuesday when I come in.
SPEAKER_03:No, it's yeah, no, I just find it it's just really helpful because I I want again, I want to be present for my wife. And if I'm sitting down before dinner and I'm talking about the day, and then all of a sudden Mrs. Smith gives me a message, then I'm then a businessman again. And it's like I I just look I've just learnt to put my phone down, like I've I've got a a place where I can put my keys, my wallet, and I now put my phone there, so then I can just be present to where my kids and it's beautiful when you come home and you can hear the word daddy or lover or and and it's just that's that's my instead of bastards, yeah. But it's just that's just me. I I like that, and if if I don't get that, then then I think okay, what's happening? Or you know, checking with my wife, or you know, it's just yeah, it's it's it's therapy for me.
SPEAKER_01:I think that's what any man wants, really, at the end of the day. If you've got a wife and kids, you just want you want your kids to appreciate you when you walk through the door and you want your wife to do the same, and that's pretty much life sorted, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Happy wife, happy life, yeah, it really is.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, but it's good fun.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think we should wrap that one up. Um, but Ryan, we uh wish you all the best with your new career. Just really quickly, one passing little statement from you. Anybody in your position that is doing what they do but they fancy a change, is it too late?
SPEAKER_03:Never too late. Just if you've got a dream, a passion, a goal, believe in yourself, be careful who you share that goal with, and just go with it. Just believe in yourself. Because we we we need people like you. We need people like you, we need people like myself that just has this belief in us for this podcast to reach men and women just to make a simple change. Simple change will last.
SPEAKER_02:It can compound as well, can't it? It can compound massively over a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour. Just I always say try and do something today to make your tomorrow better.
SPEAKER_01:What is it that you're actually doing now, and and how how do you want to carry on doing what you're doing? Great.
SPEAKER_03:Um, so at the moment I am supporting uh a thing that is called versus life, and we meet every Friday uh sometime in different locations, and it's just 12 men doing a 5k, a C dip, and a breakfast on the beach all before half seven in the morning. And what I'm doing is supporting the group. His name's Tyler that sorts out, and I just want to support that group so then one day I can have my own community of men. Um, and so with the life coaching, I it's just me supporting the group, and again, what I'm doing at the moment is November, the the challenge, a 60-mile run for the whole month of November, and so I go on to Instagram, I record a little thought while I'm running, um, and just to support the mental health because again, it's in crisis, and you know, yeah, it's just supporting that. I just really want to support um a community of men, uh, and it's just finding the balance between how I can then separate plastering to the life coaching because plastering is paying my bills, but it's the passion of helping others miles, but it is just supporting, just getting that message out there. Um but and and I find coaching helps, it's about um accountability, yeah. And we all need someone to sometimes get that carrot up our backside to yeah, just make our lives a little better.
unknown:Love that, mate.
SPEAKER_03:So thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Um if you give us all your socials, we'll add them all into the yeah, thank you very much.
SPEAKER_03:What are your socials?
SPEAKER_02:How can people find that more about Ryan?
SPEAKER_03:I'm uh Ryan mindset coaching on Instagram, and then that connects to my Facebook. Um, I'm just yeah, very early days of my coaching career, but I'm just the new new kid on the block. I'm sussing out a lot of things and just want to reconnect uh and network with as many people as possible. So thank you for you guys just to trust in who I am and um So we can always delete it as well. Yeah, yeah, right. But no, thank you so much. Thank you.
SPEAKER_02:No, you're very well, Ryan. And sorry I missed that bit out. Yeah, well, I just thought it was important just to finish it off. Thank you very much. You're here, Chris. So, yeah, that has been another episode of the Untold Podcast.
SPEAKER_01:And that is goodbye from me.
SPEAKER_02:And it's a goodbye from me. Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_03:Love you all.
SPEAKER_02:Um, if you like this episode, please like it, subscribe it, share it. We're really trying to grow this. We want to grow this to help people. Like Ryan said, we just want to help people. And if this episode gives one person a bit of value, or it's already added, it's give him some value. Yeah. Um it's give me some value, and I'm pretty sure it'll give Ryan some value. So that's three people we give value to this week. So yeah, like, subscribe, share, and we'll see you next week. Peace. Peace out.